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I've always been used to relying absolutely on my memory. I remember when it started, this training myself to remember stuff accurately: I was in a ballet class, six years of age. the girl in front of me got asked to demonstrate one of the exercises we'd learnt the week before. She couldn't do it, she couldn't remember the steps. And I thought something like "that won't happen to me". And after that I made sure that I remembered all the exercises, all the time.
I still have a disturbingly good memory for a lot of things today. I'm the one who can remember that you said X to me on Y day while person Z was also present. It's meant getting used to a whole lot of repetition both on my part and on others as I've slowly realised that other people repeat themselves and need me to repeat myself because they really just don't remember the first two times it was said.
Except that now my memory is unravelling and I don't know why. Maybe I've just taken on too much with my combination of work and uni hours. Maybe it's that my circle of friends and aquaintances has expanded to the point where I need a lot more metadata to keep track of who spoke to whom when and so forth, and the system has reached the point of overload. Maybe it's just that I've gotten lazy since I finished high school and stopped doing ballet, and my memory is no longer as well-trained as it used to be. I really don't know, but I'm supposed to know stuff, and these blank spots annoy the hell out of me and make me feel like I'm failing somehow in one of the things that makes me who I am, and I feel a bit like I'm going crazy. An example: On Monday I got home fairly wiped out and ready to go to bed. I woke up the next day to find that Hein had rung me at about 1:30pm, which was about the same time I'd gotten to sleep. So I left a message on his MSN saying sorry for not picking it up etc and thought no more of it until I spoke to him later that day (on MSN again).
Hein: You picked it up
Me: Oh ok, I don't remember at all :| *has very vague memory of what may or may not have been picking up the phone when Hein called, triggered by Hein saying that I did in fact talk to him*
Hein: I asked you if you were at uni or coming in and you said probably not
Me: Um ok *has very vague memory again*
Me: How far did you get with databases btw?
Hein: You asked that too LOL
Me: Really? :|

I really have no memory whatsoever of this conversation. A shadow of a shadow maybe, and only that much because Hein reminded me about it. Compare this to a few months ago when I would occasionally get rung up by various people while I was in the middle of sleeping (I would say in the middle of the night but actually I was being rung around 9 or 11pm, which is late for me but nowhere close to sleeptime for most :p) and I would wake up the next morning with a complete memory of the conversation, albeit a bit unsure of whether the conversation actually happened or whether I had just dreamt it

Added to that,my language skills are also getting weirder and weirder (mis-reading and mis-hearing stuff a lot more often than I used to, not being able to find the right words to express concepts that I know there's a word for, etc) and my sleep cycle has pretty much given up on me (I averaged 5-6 hours sleep for most nights last week due to work and uni colliding a lot. And then on Monday I lay down at 1pm and got up at 5am the next morning. 16 hours WTF).


Anyway, I would whinge about myself more except that I have a databases assignment which is already two days late and a Publications meeting to go to now and a Micros lab to start and a million and one other things that need to be done RIGHT NOW. Bah :\
erratio: (Default)
Yeh, so yesterday (and to some extent today) was an emo day. I'd blog about it but I'm no longer in an emo enough frame of mind to do it justice. Really it was about feeling socially awkward and a failure and invisible and anxious and all the crap that comes with just having one of <i>those</i> days. And all I feel is thankful that I've gotten to the stage where a day like this isn't something I can look forward to semi-regularly. I still wouldn't call myself really happy and I still have no idea about so many aspects of myself and my life, but these days I'm mostly ok with that and with the realisation that I'll probably never know. Try to pin myself down and I'll change just to spite myself :p

Anyway, this too shall pass.
erratio: (Default)
so there was me hein and sarah all talking on msn in a group conversation right, and we decided to try group-writing some emo poetry for fun :p. Well that didn't work out too well but here are some of our solo efforts:

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CRY
DO YOU STILL FIND ME EMO ENOUGH
I WONDER IF I SHOULD JUST WALK AWAY
AND DISSAPPEAR INTO MY LEAKING BLOOD


i wish i was a cloud
then i could rain down upon my enemies
they who ignore me
and refuse to recognise my pleas for help
i pour down rain the colour of my sorrows
bloody red
the world is drenched in red

HATRED IS MY NEW BLOOD

I LIVED IN A GILDED CAGE OF SILENCE



and here's one i prepared earlier ^_^

free falling
i wonder
if you would catch me
or will i fall forever

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