Day of judgement
Sep. 18th, 2010 10:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
erratioToday was Yom Kippur, the day of judgement where God decides whether we will live or die during the coming year. I find it fitting and symbolic, even though I didn't intend it this way, that today will probably be the last day that I self-identify as Jewish.
It's taken me a long time to reach this point. Even though I haven't believed in the rituals of Judaism or in the existence of a Judeo-Christian God for years, I still fasted on Yom Kippur, avoided bread during Passover and kept an abbreviated form of kosher (no ham/pork/etc) out of some sense of tradition and obligation towards my family and my past. I think I'm over that now.
What happened? Well, I read an article last night about the difference between actually believing in something and only half-believing, in the way that most of us don't believe in ghosts but would still get freaked out if we spent some time in a haunted house. And that caused something of a personal epiphany, where I realised that I've been behaving as though I half-believe in Judaism, even though I'm sure that the monotheistic God doesn't exist.
Today I fasted, because it seemed like a bad idea to change my beliefs when I had such a huge incentive (being able to eat normally) for deciding to give up on religion on the spot.* Starting tomorrow, I will be making an effort to discard my last observances of Judaism. From now on, I will only identify myself as Jewish in the sense of having had a Jewish background, not in the sense of currently identifying myself as one. Let's see how it goes.
*Probably also because as soon as I realised that my personal epiphany happened to match up with the most serious day of the Jewish year, that determines your fate for the entirety of the coming year, I couldn't resist the temptation towards symbolism.
It's taken me a long time to reach this point. Even though I haven't believed in the rituals of Judaism or in the existence of a Judeo-Christian God for years, I still fasted on Yom Kippur, avoided bread during Passover and kept an abbreviated form of kosher (no ham/pork/etc) out of some sense of tradition and obligation towards my family and my past. I think I'm over that now.
What happened? Well, I read an article last night about the difference between actually believing in something and only half-believing, in the way that most of us don't believe in ghosts but would still get freaked out if we spent some time in a haunted house. And that caused something of a personal epiphany, where I realised that I've been behaving as though I half-believe in Judaism, even though I'm sure that the monotheistic God doesn't exist.
Today I fasted, because it seemed like a bad idea to change my beliefs when I had such a huge incentive (being able to eat normally) for deciding to give up on religion on the spot.* Starting tomorrow, I will be making an effort to discard my last observances of Judaism. From now on, I will only identify myself as Jewish in the sense of having had a Jewish background, not in the sense of currently identifying myself as one. Let's see how it goes.
*Probably also because as soon as I realised that my personal epiphany happened to match up with the most serious day of the Jewish year, that determines your fate for the entirety of the coming year, I couldn't resist the temptation towards symbolism.
I applaud your courage!
Date: 2010-09-22 01:17 pm (UTC)I utterly disavow a belief (however symbolic) in any of the traditional claims that Judaism makes, save the most airy and insipid ethical regulations, which I accept for reasons entirely secondary to my religious identity. It saddens me that there are so many people in our community who disavow Jewish identity for that reason (and I am not for an instant accusing you of this), because doing so only attributes more power to the religious Jews of our world, who claim (with very little competition) that such is what Judaism is.
Of course, Judaism is more than the texts that make up the tradition, and even if you are an avowed literalist like myself, the literature itself is so much more than the individual texts that make it up. There is no injunction to believe in any of it or to accept any of it, nor even any indication as to how you should prioritise any of it, or what else you might welcome into the "canon". The fact that numerous of the texts do outline such frameworks is beside the point: there is no reason that you should agree with those bits either :)
To my mind, religiosity is fascinating on paper, and intellectually insulting in practise. I work at a synagogue, in the role of an educator, but feel more like an anthropologist than a participant in their services. I have a love/hate relationship with extreme orthodoxy, and a very liberal outlook as regards the beliefs and behaviour of others in my community. In short, while I could never make the same choice as you have made, I support entirely your right to make it, and applaud your openness and honesty in publishing it!
Best of luck to you: you did more to commemorate Yom Kippur than I have done in years, and I hope that you continue to struggle with your identity, even as you take further strides towards cementing it.