no more masks

it has come to my attention lately that i find it hard to be 'normal' when i'm interacting with other people. I think this is mainly because i've always taken a sort of meta-view of social interactions: its all just a stylised dance of call and response. I often get the urge to do or say things to upset the choreography, just because i can. Things i have thought about before:

1. responding River Tam (from Serenity) style to people's queries.
Person A : hello, how are you going?
Me: squirrels

2. being overly meta in conversation.
Person B : hey, how you going?
Me: not bad, you?
Person B : yeh not bad either
*awkward silence*
Me: oh well, seems like we've run out of things to talk about in this conversation. Guess i'll see you around. *leaves*

3. Being overly blunt.
Person C : hey, i see you around but i never get around to saying hi because you're usually too far away
Me : yeh, or you just go in the other direction when you see me coming (unspoken is the "cos heck, thats what i would do in your position")

4. Leaving in hte middle of a group conversation.
Person A, B C and D : [insert conversation about normal random topics]
Me : Hey, i might go for a walk now, i'll be back later *leaves*

I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that i have actually done 2, 3 and 4 in the past (i have often had the urge to do 1 if it weren't that while the other three items can be somewhat explained away or smoothed over, 1 is just too WTF) . Does this make me anti-social? More importantly, should i be making that extra effort to be sociable and pretend to being friendlier with people than i feel? i still get on quite well with my close friends - ie i don't feel like i'm playing a role when i'm with them - but these days i'm feeling the effort of trying to pretend to something that isn't really me.

I'm tired of wearing masks all the time, but i know that anti-social people don't get ahead in life and that faking it is the best way to progress. And i won't go into the envy i feel for people who are naturally very sociable and so aren't faking it at all.

Fuck it. From now on i pledge to attempt to be truer to myself, even when that honesty makes my life harder than it otherwise could be. I'm not going to change or hide myself anymore for other people's benefit, because in the end its too exhausting to keep wearing the mask, and more dangerous to let it slip the longer you wear it in front of others.



in other news, i went to an old friend's birthday dinner tonight. And i witnessed the most breathtaking display of bitchery i have ever seen. If i could fake friendliness the way this girl can, i would never have problems talking to anyone.

Friend A *smiling sunnily* : how are you?
Friend B : a bit sick..
Friend A *still smiling* : have you been kissing boys with diseases? naughty naughty.. (i can't remember the exact wording of this but i remember there was an implication that she was referring to venereal diseases at this point..)
Friend B : actually, i have a boyfriend now, so i'm not kissing any other guys
Friend A : oh well, is he sick?
...

Backstory to this: A and B hate eachother's guts, always have since they first met eachother in high school. Still, this was the first time they'd spoken to eachother in over 6 months, i would have thought A could at least make a token attempt to be nice. Apparently not.

And in related other news, i have no idea how i used to be friends with all the people in my old group. Some of them are just SO STUPID. ffs, breaking your shoe is not cause for 20 minutes of laughter